I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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