I got chris browned last night
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
