She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
