in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
