shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
