Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
