I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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