if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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