: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Randomize
