I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
