i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
