I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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