I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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