i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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