Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
