He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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