I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
