Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have fence marks all over my body
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
