It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
