Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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