College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
