Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
