Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
