Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
