You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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