why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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