Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
