as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
only you would photoshop your dick
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
