I wish I could punch you in the face.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We talked him into tasing himself.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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