i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
