it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
