New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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