I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
