I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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