I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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