i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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