I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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