sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
