i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
