The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Boobs are out for the taking
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
