I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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