how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
