everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
