my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
