I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
