I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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