i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
