I'm going to jail i love you
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
