If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
