What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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