I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
