This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
