i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
